shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
