we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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