I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I didn't notice because vodka
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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