Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
