I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
