just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
