Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
now i know why i became what i already was.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
