I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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