My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
