Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I need to calm my uterus...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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