Welp...herpes.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
