It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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