I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
