So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
