my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
