Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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