And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every concussion has its silver lining
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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