Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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