I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
