my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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