I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
