is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
