I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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