do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
