I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
