it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
