I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
