aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
