The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's never too late to be topless.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
