I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
