I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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