Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
