I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
