There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
