Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This is the high leading the old right now
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
