My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
