I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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