I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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