Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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