my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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