she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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