are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
