i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
