I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
