i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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