Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm passing your future prison.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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