I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You took a bar mat shot.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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