Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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