Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
there is glitter all over my balls
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