so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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