i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
