I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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