The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
