there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
